finally drove the world away

Hi everyone! I'm the Once-ler—please don't laugh—and it looks like I'm in a castle or something. That's cool, that's really cool! Castles are awesome. Never been in a castle. But I really have to go home. My mom can't really cook for herself, and my uncle is too short to reach the top of the bookcase. So we've got some problems, you know? Family issues, et cetera. Important stuff.

And, quick question: does anybody know why I'm wearing this awful suit? It's huge on me, and stained with something. It's dry, and crusty, and gross. Maybe it's barbecue sauce? Doesn't taste like barbecue sauce. [Remember kids, always lick a stain if you don't know what it is.] Wait, never mind, this suit isn't awful, it's awesome. I don't know what I was thinking back there. Note to self, get this thing dry-cleaned.

[Regaining your memories out of order is pretty rough.]

Follow-up: does anybody know why I have a tattoo gun? Because I don't have any tattoos. My mom says they're dumb.

[Someone hasn't seen their Keep tattoo yet.]

[Look, it's the clothier's tower. Also the Once-ler. Where's his hat? Where are his sunglasses? Where's his jacket? Nobody knows. And he's not smoking a cigar for once!]

Hey, everybody! It's me, the Once-ler. That's my name.

[He's just going to greet everyone that way.]

Uh, in case you didn't know, there's going to be a wedding... eventually... I don't know when but it's a thing that's happening. I'm making the dress and I've, uh... [He looks around.] ... kind of holed up in the place with the... fabric and whatever. Sooo! if you need something to wear to aforementioned wedding, I'm your guy. I don't really sleep very much, so I'll probably have everything done before The Big Day.

[Pause.]

And it's totally free! Free-er than free. Approximately zero dollars and zero-point-zero cents. Don't worry. It is my gift to you.

[It seems like he's going to end the entry, but then -]

Also, happy Father's Day, everybody.

[Hello, Holloway's Keep! Here is a video of a young man in a green (very green) suit and a top hat so high it goes out of the frame. He's wearing blue sunglasses, big ones, which he hurriedly takes off as if he'd forgotten about them. His eyes are a little sunken in and defined by dark, deep circles beneath them. Despite those tired eyes, the Once-ler flashes a charming smile (as seen on TV).]

Hello, everybody! [His voice is smooth, a practiced tone.] I'm the Once-ler, yes that is my name, and I'm the CEO of Thneed, Inc. [Brief pause. A crack appears in his façade.] Where I come from, that really means something. [Anyway.] I figured I'd introduce myself publicly. You know—talk to people, maybe make… some friends… [He looks thoroughly unenthusiastic about that last bit.] Basic socialization isn't out of my skill set, I'm pretty sure. So, don't be shy! I don't bite too hard. Or at all. Let's chat.

[There's a long, awkward silence.]

I'd also like some cigars. Plural. Lots of them. I'll roll them myself if I have to.

[The end.]